From Twitter 05-12-2010

• 03:47:43: I think I now understand why coyotes will chew off their own leg to escape from a trap!!
  
• 04:37:22: Woah!!! When did my jokes stop?! :-( Back on schedule... More to come!!
  
• 08:00:21: Sign in a veterinarian's office: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
  
• 15:00:15: OMG I just almost hit a pedestrian from Miami. I know he was from Miami because he kept yelling "Sunny Beach" at me!!
  
• 18:08:16: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 20:07:52: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Ron's Place on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/cdtaN6
  
• 22:00:17: Old man limps into ice cream shop & orders a banana split. The waitress asks, "Crushed nuts?" He says, "No. Arthritis."
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 05-10-2010

• 22:00:23: Q: What do you call a fast lesbian?
  A: Lickety split!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 05-08-2010

• 02:39:05: 4 me the worst part of the fwy shooting is that TWO ppl who saw said the deceased's arm & feet weren't covered! :-(
  
• 18:02:06: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 05-07-2010

• 06:32:17: Pai Gow was good to me at @Harrahs_AkChin! The purple chip is $500! That's $798 total! http://twitpic.com/1lrhj2 http://twitpic.com/1lrhio
  
• 06:48:22: Daddy Zeus was good to me too!! Slapped my ass and left me a
  C-note!!! http://twitvid.com/X1RKT
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 05-06-2010

• 01:35:10: I just became the mayor of Kasa de Karen on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/dgqinS
  
• 08:00:28: Q: What does NASCAR stand for?
  A: Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks.
  
• 15:00:26: You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to avoid a tree and then realize it was your air freshener!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 05-05-2010

• 00:05:14: iFeliz Cinco de Mayo!
  
• 02:16:06: THE STROKEMEISTER Shake Weight for Men Parody!! http://j.mp/99hz2o SHUT UP DENNIS!!! #YouTube
  
• 08:00:29: Q: If Miss Issippi and Miss Ouri each have a New Jersey to wear tonight, what will Dela Ware?
  A: I Da Ho. Al Ask A!!
  
• 12:05:12: Last night's iPhone freeze & data loss scare is finally over! Whew!!!!!!
  
• 15:00:26: Q: What do you call a video of pedestrians?
  A: Footage.
  
• 22:00:21: #Offensive #DontRead
  Rape is a difficult job! It's like trying to play golf with a moving hole!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 05-04-2010

• 08:00:37: Happy STAR WARS Day!! "May the Fourth be wth you."
  
• 15:00:19: I'm so out of practice in bed that even nymphomaniacs want to just be friends...
  
• 22:00:20: Why are wives so weird?? They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then get mad at the woman who will!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 05-03-2010

• 08:00:22: Today is a Vegas recovery day! Jokes will likely be delayed!! Hehehe
  
• 15:00:25: If u can't ignore an insult, top it. If u can't top it, laugh it off. If u can't laugh it off, it was probably true!!
  
• 21:04:36: Back at @HarrahsLaughlin with @PhoenixCub and @MrProducer. First we buffet, then we play!!
  
• 22:00:27: I'd hate 2 be an egg! U only get laid once, the only woman 2 sit on ur face is ur mother, & it takes 4min to get hard!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 05-02-2010

• 08:00:27: A man in a small boat felt cold, but it sank when he lit a fire, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!
  
• 15:00:28: A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?!"
  
• 22:00:26: Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 05-01-2010

• 08:00:29: Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
  
• 15:00:27: Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says "Get outta here! We don't want your type in here!"
  
• 16:29:43: I'm at O'Shea's Casino w/ @jayfenster. http://4sq.com/8vy9JJ
  
• 21:28:58: "THAT'S A HUGE BITCH!!!"
  -Karen Elder (19something - 2010 if she had heard us!)
  
• 22:00:25: Q: What's the difference between Dannon Yogurt and Phoenix, AZ?
  A: Only one has culture!
  
• 22:11:02: OMG Karen just got a picture with BARRY freakin' MANILOW!!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-30-2010

• 08:00:34: Borrow money from pessimists...they don't expect it back!!
  
• 11:07:21: Off to Las Vegas with the gang!! R u ready for us, @ImperialPalace?! :-) (@ Parisi's Pussy Palace) http://4sq.com/9828YW
  
• 13:15:34: I'm at Middle Of Fucking Nowhere, Arizona. http://4sq.com/aR2XkL
  
• 13:19:13: http://ping.fm/p/DH16R - My baby picture!! :-P
  
• 13:45:17: http://ping.fm/p/WVLCO - Cinnaboobies!! :-)
  
• 15:00:34: I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet!
  
• 15:45:50: I'm at Hoover Dam (Highway 93, Nevada and Arizona, Boulder City) w/ 2 others. http://4sq.com/7z7xT0
  
• 17:52:57: WOOOO HOOOOOO for a mirror over the bed at @ImperialPalace! http://twitpic.com/1js8t1 http://twitpic.com/1js8zl http://twitpic.com/1js8sy
  
• 22:00:15: I'm at Ellis Island Casino (4178 Koval Ln, Flamingo Rd, Las Vegas). http://4sq.com/5zkxMU
  
• 22:00:27: A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Beer please, and one for the road."
  
• 22:08:04: Karen & Celita at the Pai Gow table with Karen's....uhhh.......good luck charm!! http://twitpic.com/1juqbo
  
• 23:19:26: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Imperial Palace Las Vegas on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/5ugOMa
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-29-2010

• 03:31:23: WTF?! Local cosmetic dentist offering a senior special. Any work a senior has done is guaranteed 4 life! How morbid!
  
• 08:15:53: There cannot be a crisis today...my schedule is already full.
  
• 15:00:59: Do chickens think rubber humans are funny??
  
• 22:00:20: A woman walks into a fancy cocktail bar and asks the bartender for a "Double Entendre". So he gave her one!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-28-2010

• 08:00:14: My reality check bounced!
  
• 08:17:48: Ad: Field Trips For All! Lunchables wants 2 help deserving youth across the nation go on inspiring, educational trips. http://spn.tw/83VZ
  
• 11:00:08: Ad: Starting at $30 per month change lives. Donate online to CAMH & help support mental illness & addiction services. http://spn.tw/8ftt
  
• 12:17:14: Ad: Find great deals 2 experience history, attractions, arts, culture, luxury, romance, beaches, nature, golf & more! http://spn.tw/7YBP
  
• 15:00:26: Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are sneaky and will pee on your computer.
  
• 18:02:08: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:21: Don't drink and drive...you might spill your beer!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-27-2010

• 08:00:26: Yes, I'm paranoid...but that doesn't mean they're NOT out to get me, right?!
  
• 15:28:54: Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
  A: He couldn't take his foot of the gas pedal!
  
• 22:00:17: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl."
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-26-2010

• 08:00:28: I don't like kids...but I could probably eat a whole one if I was really hungry and one was already cooking...
  
• 15:00:24: Q: What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS?
  A: A bitch who knows everything!
  
• 22:00:29: Q: How do slutty women like their eggs in the morning?
  A: Unfertilized!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-25-2010

• 23:00:53: Oops... I missed my bad jokes today. More coming tomorrow!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-24-2010

• 08:00:58: Remember, there's a very very fine line between hobby and mental illness...
  
• 15:00:23: Never insult an alligator until you're done crossing the river. The same can be said about food service workers!
  
• 18:02:20: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:16: Q: What do u get when u cross a nymphomaniac with a Mensa member?
  A: A fucking know-it-all!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-23-2010

• 01:21:38: Mailing @StarbucksTink's package. Be sure to read the REF field when u get it, Leah!! Hehe (@ US Post Office) http://4sq.com/7bLTxW
  
• 01:21:38: I just became the mayor of US Post Office on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/7bLTxW
  
• 09:02:22: On the cell phone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key!!
  
• 10:19:21: Ad: Field Trips For All! Lunchables wants to help deserving youth across the nation go on inspiring, educational trips. http://spn.tw/83VZ
  
• 15:00:49: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me...
  
• 22:00:21: My boyfriend always laughs during sex...no matter what he's reading!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-22-2010

• 08:00:22: SAVE A TREE! Conserve toilet paper -- use both sides!!
  
• 08:12:27: Ad: Find great deals to experience history, attractions, arts, culture, luxury, romance, beaches, nature, golf & more! http://spn.tw/7YBP
  
• 14:50:19: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Carl's Jr on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/dtK1WM
  
• 15:00:20: My test results came back negative. Too bad it was an IQ test!!
  
• 22:00:24: Alcohol is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-21-2010

• 08:00:46: Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
  A: It doesn't matter! He won't come anyway!!
  
• 15:00:22: Bride's dad's note to the groom: "NO RETURNS ACCEPTED." The groom's note back: "CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN."
  
• 22:00:19: Hckory dckory dock, dis bitch was suckin my cock. Da clock struck 2, I dumped my goo & dropped her @ da end of da block!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-20-2010

• 08:00:48: There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
  
• 15:00:27: I worry too much about my job. I need to stop it! I'm not paid enough to worry!!
  
• 22:00:26: Q: How long does a husband talk to his wife after sex?
  A: Depends on how fast he finds his cell phone when she calls!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-19-2010

• 08:00:45: A FEEL-GOOD CHEER: "Don't feel sad! Don't feel blue! Frankenstein was ugly too!!!"
  
• 15:00:40: The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
  
• 22:00:28: I have amnesia AND déjà vu. I think I've forgotten this before!
  (On a side note, I officially name this "amnésià vu"!)
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-18-2010

• 08:00:19: Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
  A:
  
• 15:00:24: "SALE: 100 Tampons. No strings attached. Limited period only." What a bloody good deal!!
  
• 21:34:35: Don't wanna miss out on my #4sqday badge!! (@ Chipotle - Goodyear) http://4sq.com/bFozSM
  
• 22:00:25: You don't need to tell me. I know what people are saying behind my back... "Nice ass!"
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-17-2010

• 08:00:18: Bad pick-up lines: "I know what would look good on you. Me!!"
  
• 15:00:42: Bad pick-up lines: "You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear."
  
• 22:00:46: Bad pick-up lines: "Got two nipples for a dime?"
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-16-2010

• 08:00:21: Bad pick-up lines: "Is there a keg in your pants, cause I wanna tap that ass!"
  
• 15:00:34: Bad pick-up lines: "Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?"
  
• 22:00:14: Bad pick-up lines: "I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle."
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-15-2010

• 02:12:42: RT @TheCosmicJester: Hey look iThing users: You can carry a game show announcer in your pocket FREE! http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/iric ...
  
• 02:23:21: RT @PhoenixCub: More French lessons at Paris: "Oh shit! Where is my wedding ring?!"
  
• 02:29:04: RT @PhoenixCub: French lessons in the restroom at Paris: "Has anyone seen my panties?"
  
• 02:29:10: French lessons in the restroom at Paris: "Has anyone seen my panties?" /via @PhoenixCub
  
• 02:42:58: Here's our room at Caesars Palace! http://twitgoo.com/nw3mo http://twitgoo.com/nw3nc http://twitgoo.com/nw3no /via @PhoenixCub
  
• 08:00:24: Failure is NOT an option. It comes bundled with Windows!
  
• 15:00:18: Is reading while on the toilet considered multitasking??
  
• 15:24:48: Kill me, please!!
  
• 18:44:13: Thank God for Rob Burdett!!
  
• 22:00:33: Remember, you are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
  
• 22:43:37: On my way to @PhoenixCub's for Culver's butter burgers & frozen custard & Survivor on HD (generic) TiVo!
  
• 23:30:31: I can't tell if the Culver's bathroom smells like really bad air freshener or really good vomit! :-/
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-14-2010

• 01:43:28: I just became the mayor of Laughlin, NV on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/92aL5q
  
• 01:47:10: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Harrahs on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/asFieB
  
• 08:01:19: Computer programmers don't Byte, they just nibble a Bit.
  
• 15:00:25: Computers are like air conditioners. Both stop working when you open Windows.
  
• 18:01:21: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:01:18: There are only 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-13-2010

• 01:36:03: I'm at Paris Hotel and Casino (3655 Las Vegas Blvd S, btwn Harmon & Flamingo, Las Vegas). http://4sq.com/8YWZTh
  
• 04:38:35: Looooooong night but totally worth it!! (@ Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino w/ @phoenixcub) http://4sq.com/1wrifO
  
• 08:00:31: A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those??
  
• 15:00:37: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children.
  
• 22:00:23: The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-12-2010

• 08:00:15: You were all hungry before I came along. Now you're all just fed up!!
  
• 15:00:20: I bet you I can stop gambling whenever I want!
  
• 20:23:57: Yaaay for 24-hour, 7-buffet access!! (@ Lago Buffet @ Caesars Palace w/ @phoenixcub) http://4sq.com/al6Ojz
  
• 20:58:15: Attention: There is no Caesar dressing at the @CaesarsPalace Lago Buffet. That makes me laugh a little. That is all.
  
• 22:00:24: Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
  
• 23:28:57: I'm at Fountains of Bellagio w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/6ZVZpL
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 04-11-2010

• 01:30:31: Laughlin: Las Vegas Light® aka Diet Las Vegas®
  (@phoenixcub @harrahslaughlin)
  
• 01:54:04: I'm at Harrahs w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/asFieB
  
• 08:00:21: You might be trailer trash if: Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all! Watch this!"
  
• 11:09:57: Yaaaaaay!!! RT @phoenixcub I'm so excited! @MichaelParisi & I will be checking into our room at @CaesarsPalace abt 24hrs from now!
  
• 11:50:15: OUCH!! Just flicked my eyeball with freakin' toothpaste -- Arm & Hammer Peroxicare!! Got a spoon I can borrow to SCOOP MY EYEBALL OUT?!?!
  
• 15:00:26: You might be trailer trash if: You think Dom Pérignon is a Mafia boss.
  
• 16:48:43: I just unlocked the "Barista" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/9hD8rl
  
• 16:56:40: This place is named after @PhoenixCub's college nickname!! (@ Loose Caboose) http://4sq.com/crwIsD
  
• 18:02:41: OMG!!! Amazing COMPED room at Caesars Palace AND an amazing upgrade thanks to @thecosmicjester's $20 Trick!! Pics coming soon!!
  
• 18:55:12: The view from @phoenixcub's & my Augustus Tower room at @CaesarsPalace!! Bellagio Fountain view, baby!!! WOW!!! http://twitpic.com/1ezvb7
  
• 19:23:51: I'm at Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/1wrifO
  
• 21:15:19: The server at Ellis Island Casino's restaurant just congratulated me on a job well done for finishing my meal!! LOL
  
• 22:00:34: You might be trailer trash if: You think a woman who is 'out of your league' bowls on a different night.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com